Pantharen's Joke Thread
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!" Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him. The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!" Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar. Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..." Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" The woman replied, "I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor."
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
I wonder what Georgie Boy is tryin to look at?
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
How to Bathe the Cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
9. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
the Dog
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
Note: You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any surface they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
9. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
the Dog
-
LoBeam
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
HAHAHAHHAHA
I'm going to have to try that on my g/f's f**king cat.....
I hate that damn thing. It stinks & sh!t's in the house!!
Damn cat's!!!
I'm going to have to try that on my g/f's f**king cat.....
I hate that damn thing. It stinks & sh!t's in the house!!
Damn cat's!!!
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
The lighthouse
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
A Canadian bartender in Europe
A Canadian bartender was having a hard time fitting in. The regulars in the bar constantly teased him day in and day out about how he looked different, talked different, dressed different and acted different than the locals.
The Canadian bartender always kept his cool and always had a calm smile and a friendly attitude. Months and months went by while the regulars relentlessly teased the Canadian bartender and he always kept his cool.
Finally, some of the regulars decided that the Canadian might be OK just because he was able to keep his cool all this time. They decided to go as a group and tell him that they were sorry and that they now thought the Canadian was OK by them.
As they expected the Canadian bartender was very gracious. He thanked them for their apology and welcomed them as friends. As a token of his appreciation, with his usual friendly smile he offered "OK, and I promise not to piss in your beers anymore..."
A Canadian bartender was having a hard time fitting in. The regulars in the bar constantly teased him day in and day out about how he looked different, talked different, dressed different and acted different than the locals.
The Canadian bartender always kept his cool and always had a calm smile and a friendly attitude. Months and months went by while the regulars relentlessly teased the Canadian bartender and he always kept his cool.
Finally, some of the regulars decided that the Canadian might be OK just because he was able to keep his cool all this time. They decided to go as a group and tell him that they were sorry and that they now thought the Canadian was OK by them.
As they expected the Canadian bartender was very gracious. He thanked them for their apology and welcomed them as friends. As a token of his appreciation, with his usual friendly smile he offered "OK, and I promise not to piss in your beers anymore..."
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
Duck Hunting
A big-city, U.S. lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Canadian Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
A big-city, U.S. lawyer went duck hunting in rural Canada. He shot a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Canada. We settle small disagreements like this with the Canadian Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Canadian Three-Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
Five surgeons
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."