A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary man walking his pitbull on a lead. Behind him was
a queue of 200 men walking in a single file. The man couldn't
stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking
the dog, "I am sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this
with so many of you walking in a single file. Whose funeral
is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My pitbull attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help
my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between
the two men.
"Can I borrow the Dog?" the inquisitive man asks.
"Get in line."
Pantharen's Joke Thread
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
hehe, where's the line start?
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
I must be the luckiest man in the world, I have an awsome mother & father in-law. Finally figured out what happened to me and my wife, and I patched things up rather quickly, The divorce threat and papers were actually forgeries she got off the Internet. But man o man was she ever severly pissed off at me. She's happier, but doesn't want me dead, yet.
I forgot our Anniversary & her Birthday in the same week, and pretty much ignored her for that entire week. So I'm still sleepin in the dawg house, but at least she's sleepin in our bed (I'm not)
I forgot our Anniversary & her Birthday in the same week, and pretty much ignored her for that entire week. So I'm still sleepin in the dawg house, but at least she's sleepin in our bed (I'm not)
-
Rust In Peace
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
hahahahahahaha, Great place to put this update, Pantharen. Women are one big fucking joke, aren't they? Tell her you're not a fucking calendar. If she wants you to remember that shit, she should circle the dates on one of the big calendars she's surely got hanging on the wall.
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
well thats the really fucked up thing, is it was writtin on a fucking wall calender we have, this thing is huge it takes up 1/2 the fuckin wall. I dont remember even looking at it.......
But to add a joke here......
What does WIFE stand for......
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.
Yes I do love my WIFE!
But to add a joke here......
What does WIFE stand for......
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.
Yes I do love my WIFE!
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
Ok back on topic
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however; realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
Virus Warning
Warning !!!
There is a new virus around !!! There is a new virus code name is "Volunteering".
If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any one else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances !!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. Put on the jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work " has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.
Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
This virus is deadly please pay close attention to it and take heed
Warning !!!
There is a new virus around !!! There is a new virus code name is "Volunteering".
If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any one else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances !!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. Put on the jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work " has been completely deleted from your brain.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends.
Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
This virus is deadly please pay close attention to it and take heed
Re: Pantharen's Joke Thread
These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
(this in no way is intended to offend anyone if anyone is offended I will remove it (Pan)
"this is just some fucked up shit I found on the Web"
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send
me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big countries to your North . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night inVancouver and Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is. .
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth.Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely
handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
(this in no way is intended to offend anyone if anyone is offended I will remove it (Pan)
"this is just some fucked up shit I found on the Web"
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow
the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send
me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big countries to your North . . . Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night inVancouver and Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is. .
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth.Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Canada? (UK)
A: You are an American politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions on British Columbia where the
female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter
gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: All Canadian rattle snakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely
handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent eating the brains
of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.