News

[porkinbone]

News!



Nelson Mandela and Bono Behead the Van Halen Brothers



AP JOHANNESBURG: The World cheered as South African President Nelson Mandela and pop Mega-Star Bono admitted to taking part in a killing spree that left both Eddie Van Halen and his brother Alex beheaded. The hastily organized press conference was overflowing with cheers, whistles and laughter as Mandela and Bono held the decapitated heads up high for everyone to see.



"Van Halen once brought joy to many people and their music warmed the hearts of the world" said President Mandela. "But in the last 15 years, Van Halen have only brought shitty music and misery to the citizens of the world. I mean come on….what the f*ck."



Mandela and Bono elaborated on the plan that led to the brother's killing; "We asked them to fly down to do a photoshoot in a slaughterhouse." Said President Mandela. "When they arrived, we hit them on the head with heavy ball-peen hammers, tied them up and, made them suffer by sawing their legs off while they were still alive."



Bono continued; "We then rubbed a mixture of salt and vinegar onto their leg-stumps, covered their groins with calf blood and let their genitals be chewed off by a pair hungry Doberman pinchers."



"Yes indeed, that was fun" said Mandela as he and Bono laughed and exchanged hi-fives. "And don't forget to tell them about drilling holes into their chest and filling their lungs with battery acid. Boy that made them gasp!"



The decapitated heads were passed around the press conference, where reporters played with the jaws and made them say funny things. Each reporter was allowed to spit only one large ball of phlegm into the mouths of each head. "Why can I only spit once?" asked a reporter from a Soweto newspaper. "After all they've done to us, I hate the Van Halen brothers. I want to spit 40 times on their faces and perhaps allow my family to deficate into each one."



After the press conference, Mandela had Eddie Van Halen's head mounted as the hood ornament of his car while Bono took the head of Alex Van Halen and gave it to some nearby school children, where they used it as a soccer ball.



"Finally" commented Bono." Finally that big dumb head of Alex is put to some use. Justice is here with us today."

[YaMamaBitch]

wack

[Hendrix The Pirate]

ummm....

[iNViSiGOD]

hehehehe

[Panterra X]

lol.... nice..



i did get pissed off at them for just about every shitty album after 0u812...