A prisoner escapes from Prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young
couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up
the woman to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets
up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is
a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in
prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells
you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he
will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you "
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if
we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. Love you too..."
A few funnies
-
GAMI Hestity
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2001 5:00 am
Re: A few funnies
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
"A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David"
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman... "
"A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David"
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that it was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, but a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman... "
-
GAMI Hestity
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2001 5:00 am
Re: A few funnies
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind
them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby
thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride
and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no
baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words, she'd always remind
them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my
Nana." "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."
The teacher said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby
thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride
and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
-
GAMI Hestity
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2001 5:00 am
Re: A few funnies
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
-
GAMI Hestity
- Posts: 188
- Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2001 5:00 am
Re: A few funnies
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Re: A few funnies
lol.. :thumbu: good ones.. especially like the last one..