It's the year 2001 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to
make
it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.
But
I want
you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing
on
the
earth. Therefore,am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for
an
Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build
the
Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and
bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth
and
all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah
sitting
in his
front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there
were
big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and
your
plans
did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm
and
redraw
the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark
needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor
objected,
claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in
my
front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was
a ban
on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced
the
US
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any
owls. So,
no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had
to
negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16
carpenters
on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an
animal
rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement
on
your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that
they
had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed
new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination
by
not
taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the
Ark
in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind
of
user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against
further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth,
it is
a
religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't
think
I can
finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah whined.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas
began
to
calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You
mean
you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already
has! >>
Noah 2001 [Archive] - ForumsHQ
Re: Noah 2001 [Archive] - ForumsHQ
Instupid....that was a damn good one, not quite funny, but has a good point...