ForumsHQ

(ring ring)



Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support.

May I please have your name and the date of your

death?



Customer: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a

GREAT AND MIGHTY VAMPIRE!!!



Technical Support: Can I please have your date of

death, sir? We have currently around 120 Vlad the

Impalers on file, it's a fairly common name among the

undead.



Customer: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I haven't

actually died yet. I was just sort of, you know,

looking to see if someone would, you know, bite me, or

if there is some sort of trial...?



Technical Support: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can not

provide that service. I would however point you

towards your nearest foreboding castle or dark alley

to find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.



Customer: Oh, why thank you! (Click)



(ring)



Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support.

May I please have your name and the date of your

death?



Customer: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12, 1876.



Technical Support: So what can I help you with?



Customer: I need to know how I deal with this whole

rotting problem.



Technical Support: Rotting?



Customer: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off, and

there's this horrible smell.



Technical Support: Oh. Sir, were you killed by having

an undead bite your neck and suck your blood?



Customer: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot

and then blew dust into my face.



Technical Support: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a

vampire as it were. You are what is known as a zombie,

and while I can't really support that, I can tell you

that the rotting smell is fairly normal. Please hold

and I'll give you the zombie support line.

(ring ring)



Technical Support: Hello, Undead Technical Support.

May I please have your name and the date of your

death?



Customer: I AM VERY UPSET!!!



Technical Support: I understand, sir, becoming one of

the walking undead blood-sucking fiends is a big

step--



Customer: NO that is not what I am talking about you

(bleepity bleep bleep)!



Technical Support: Sir, if you will please calm down,

perhaps I can help you?



Customer: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!



Technical Support: I can alert a manager, sir, but

they will have to call you back in a few hours. Are

you sure there is nothing I can help you with?



Customer: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN

THING??



Technical Support: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to

the sun is fairly standard to all vampire types, so

that behavior is by design.



Customer: It is not! It says right here in this

pamphlet I downloaded from the Internet that if I

ingest the blood of 12 virgins on 12 consecutive

nights and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll be immune.

Which I have done mind you and I am still vulnerable

to the sun, so what gives?



Technical Support: Well, sir, that is a

different...ah... application of your powers. You

probably want to talk to the people who wrote it, or

if it is something specific to your particular type of

vampire, you may wish to speak to the person who

brought you across.



Customer: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND

NOT IN A GOOD WAY! (CLICK)



Technical Support: You know I honestly hate calls like

that. I mean what is with these people? Is it my fault

they don't read the fine print? I mean, OK immortality

is cool and the nifty vampire powers are great, but

they all call me when they can't handle it and expect

me to deal with this crap, I mean...one sec got a

call.



(ring ring)



Technical Support: Undead Techni-



Customer: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH A

CROSSBOW OUTSIDE, AND HE IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE,

"DIE FOUL FIEND!!!"



Technical Support: Okay sir, please calm down.



Customer: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN?

HE

IS BATTERING DOWN THE DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!



Technical Support: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to

holy symbols?



Customer: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath vampire,

we don't do the holy symbols thing.



Technical Support: Ah, good! I also see your kind of

vampire has increased strength and speed and can take

a lot of punishment. Okay, is he through the door yet?

Are there more than one of them?



Customer: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses

and one of them has a crossbow.



Technical Support: Well, okay. Do you have a phone

book?



Customer: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK

GOING TO DO ME?!?!



Technical Support: Sir, I need you to remain calm if

you want me to help you, okay?



Customer: All right, now what? They're almost through

the door!



Technical Support: Tuck the phone book inside your

jacket over your heart. When they come through the

door, let them shoot you with the cross bow, and then

hit the one in front as hard as you can.



Customer: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence

literate though.



Technical Support: That's okay, just follow my

instructions and I'll talk you through it.



Customer: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a

loud scream) Okay, there are two left, now what?



Technical Support: Okay, throw the one you hit at the

second one as hard as you can, and then grab the third

by the throat and lift him off the ground.



Customer: (loud crashing and some moaning followed by

some choking gurgling noises.) Okay, I have the head

guy dangling - now what?



Technical Support: Okay, now look into his eyes and

laugh maniacally.



Customer: Heh heh heh.



Technical Support: You might want to try a more

maniacal laugh. Kind of like this -

MUHAHAHAHAHA!!



Customer: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try.

Muhahahaha. How was that?



Technical Support: Close enough. Now repeat after me,

"YOU PITIFUL HUMAN INSECT, DIE LIKE THE CATTLE YOU

ARE!!!" and then please squeeze as hard as you can.



Customer: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard

from the phone) Nothing is happening.



Technical Support: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand

you are holding him with.



Customer: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard) Wow,

this isn't so hard. Maybe I will get the hang of this

whole violence thing! Thanks so much for your help!!



Technical Support: That's quite all right, you have a

good night now, and thank you for choosing undead

technical support.



(click)



Technical Support: See now, I kind of like those

calls. I got to help someone, and you know that's what

this job is all about. Am I one of the undead? Heck

no. I don't care much for the hours really, I am just

doing this for money while I study for my Occult

Sciences degree. Then I can go out and make some real

money as either an undead admin, or maybe a

troubleshooter type. Support is great experience for

that sort of thing because it gets you learning, and

working with people. I know tons about the undead

vampire types, and I heard we are going to start

supporting werewolves and magic users next. Hey, if

they want to train me, I'm not going to complain. I

mean, after all--

(ring ring)



Technical Support: Undead Technical Support. Can I

have your name and the time of your death?



Customer: Hey, is this where I call about problems

with being a vampire?



Technical Support: Yes, it is.



Customer: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's kind

of gross - can't it just be Kool Aid or something?



Technical Support: No, I'm sorry, but blood is

definitely a requirement.



Customer: Oh, well, OK.



Technical Support: Anything else I can help you with?



Customer: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things from

bad blood?



Technical Support: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets go

of mute button) Sir, you're dead, okay? You really

don't have to worry about that at this point.



Customer: Oh. How do I get the blood?



Technical Support: Generally you bite people.



Customer: Oh, OK. Well, bye.



(click)



Technical Support: (sigh) Geez, dude, read a book.

There are times when this job gets on my nerves. But

anyway where was I? Oh yeah. I get to start training

today for supporting werewolves and magic users. And

vampire hunters. You'd think that would be a conflict

of interest... oh well.

(2 weeks of training later)



Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things -

we do not support major summoning or world destroying

rituals. And if the customer is a werewolf and has

just shifted and can no longer communicate you will

need to direct them to the growling and grunting

specialist. Any questions?



Technical Support: What exactly constitutes a major

summoning? I mean what is our policy if they attempted

a summoning and mispronounced the name and got a major

demon lord instead of the minor imp they were trying

for?



Instructor: Well, assuming they are still alive, you

would probably want to send it to Escalation. Any

other questions?



(Later that month)



(ring ring)



Technical Support: Shape Shifter Technical Support.

May I please have your name and the type of shifter

you are?



Customer: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this

problem... (scratching noises) I can't get this damn

hair to go away after I shift. There's this one patch

that just won't not go away.



Technical Support: Well, sir, is it a rectangular

patch on your chest and abdominal area?



Customer: Yes, actually it is.



Technical Support: Well, sir, that will not go away.

That patch of hair is the mark of the animal demon

that currently possesses you. If you were a shifter by

birth rather than by position, it wouldn't be there.



Customer: So when will there be a solution to this

problem?



Technical Support: Sir, that particular behavior, as I

have said, is a side effect of being a shifter by

position.



Customer: Whatever, when are you going to fix it?

Cause I don't like this hair, it itches.



Technical Support: Sir, as I said this is something

that cannot be fixed, unless you want to go through a

cleansing ritual and give up being a shape shifter.



Customer: No, you don't understand! I want this hair

gone and you need to tell me how to get rid of it!

Have you got that, fella? Cause if not, I'll have to

come down there and rend you limb from limb. I am a

werewolf, got that, geek boy? Now you go on and tell

me that secret way you have of getting rid of this

here hair.



Technical Support: Sir, I must tell you that if you

continue to be threatening, I will have to terminate

this call and refer your case to our security

department. That being said, we do not have a secret

way to remove your hair.



Customer: All right, that's it! You're lying to me!

Either tell me or I come down there and REND ALL YOU

blankety blanks INTO SMALL QUIVERING CHUNKS OF

FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO

THAT, HUH?? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, HUH??



Technical Support: I am sorry sir, you've forced me to terminate this

call.

(click)



(A few days later)



(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by

distraught howling)



Technical Support: Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have

told him about the silver trap we have for

werewolves... oh well, back to work.



(ring ring)



Technical Support: Mystical Technical Support. May I

please have your name and the name of your group, or

your contract number if you are an independent.



Customer: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member

of the Most Glorious Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.



Technical Support: Okay, sir, what can I help you

with?



Customer: Well it's a small thing really, I was just

wondering what would happen if, ah, well, when

summoning a 9th level elemental spirit I had gotten

two of the glyphs wrong?



Technical Support: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head

pounding on table is heard)



Customer: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9 into

a 90 and the elemental to demonic.



Technical Support: I see. Sir, can you hang on a

second?



Customer: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the

glowing purple thing is getting worse, and the walls

have started bleeding.



Technical Support: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold

music) AHHHH why do I get these calls? (off hold)

Okay, sir. I want you to listen to me carefully. Once

I'm done talking, I want you to follow these steps.

First open the door to the room you are in, step

through it, and run as fast as you can. Then call

555-DUMB. This is the number for a service that takes

care of these kinds of situations.



Customer: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet

crunching sound, a scream, and then silence)



Technical Support: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way.

Oh well, at least I got promoted to major

conjurations, summoning and escalation support last

week. It means more money, although now I end up with

even bigger problems to deal with. But they're giving

me more training I guess.



(ring ring)



Technical Support: Escalations, go for it



Other Technician: Okay, I've got this guy on the line

who says that he is trying a major summoning, and he

has a wizard class account, so he is covered. But I

have no clue what's going wrong. He has the sacrifice

he needs, all his sigology looks fine, I mean he even

has the blue pillar of fire going for him! Could you

take it, please, because frankly, I am stumped.



Technical Support: Sure, go ahead and transfer him.

(pause) Hi there, I hear you are having some problems.



Customer: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the

materials and everything appears to be fine. I have

the gateway open but I am getting no response to the

truename.



Technical Support: A sacrifice was mentioned - could

you tell me what kind?



Customer: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was

needed, and she is waiting right here all bound and

prepared for the demon to come through and rip her to

pieces. I mean, we even have the proper amount of

screaming.



Technical Support: (knowing chuckle) Did you say

virgin sacrifice? And how old is she?



Customer: She is 17. I had her checked out beforehand

and she is a certified virgin.



Technical Support: Of course. By any chance do you

have a young male assistant? A teenager, perhaps?



Customer: Well, yes I. . . DAMMIT ALL TO HELL,

Jedrick, come over here! I'm gonna peel the skin off

your back and feed you to --truename of major demon

omitted--



Technical Support: Sir, you may not realize this, but

saying names like that in front of open gateways can

be a bad idea.



Customer: What, you mean --truename of major demon

omitted--? Why would that be bad?



Technical Support: Sir, I would once again advise you

against saying that name in front of a gateway.



Customer: Oh, come on, no one actually expects

--truename of major demon omitted-- to answer, I mean

he (sound of a thunder clap)



Technical Support: (sigh) If this keeps happening I

might get written up.



(ring ring)



Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead.



Other Technician: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.



Technical Support: You mean someone summoned a demon

and he needs help with it?



Other Technician: N-n-no, the demon killed him while

he was on the phone and, ummm, it somehow got my name

and now it says it owns my soul as well, and I am

kinda in over my head, HELP please.



Technical Support: Okay, go ahead and conference it.



Other Technician: Okay, here goes.



Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!!



Technical Support: With whom am I speaking, sir?



Demon: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are

mine by the contract of the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!



Technical Support: Well, all right, sir. But I need to

tell you one thing first.



Demon: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!



Technical Support: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR

UNNAMING, DEMON BEGONE!!!!



Demon: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo

(fades into nothing)



Technical Support: See, it's no problem, you just

can't let those demons push you round!



Other Technician: Cool -- thanks dude!



(ring ring)



Technical Support: Escalations, go ahead.



Other Technician: I've got an irate, would you please

take her?



Technical Support: (sigh) Go for it.



Customer: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER

CONJURER,

AND I KNOW IT IS NOTHING I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH

YOUR SHODDY MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG PEOPLE IN HIGH

PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL TURNED INTO

TOADS!!!



Technical Support: Ma'am, if you will please calm down

and read me your conjuring formula, maybe I can help

you.



Customer: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible formula

follows)



Technical Support: Ma'am, I think I've found your

problem -- it is on the 3rd, 8th, and 21st lines.



Customer: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR. SMARTY

PANTS??



Technical Support: Ma'am, 2 + 2 is equal to 4, not 8.



Customer: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a minute...

(click)



Technical Support: Thank you for calling magic

support, and have a nice day.

bored?